So it’s been three weeks since I posted.  I don’t get paid for this.  If I did, I promise it would have only been two weeks since my last post.

Anyway, this is about the kids right?  I kind of forgot about them.  I mean, sometimes I just block them out of my mind.  Impossible you say. Well, have you ever slept somewhere with the light on, TV blaring and people talking?  If so, you can block out kids.  Also, alcohol helps.

Ok, I’m kidding – sort of.

 So, what have they been up to in the past three weeks since I’ve posted?  Well, it’s actually been pretty normal.  There have been numerous fights, 38 spilled drinks, 16 complete meltdowns, at least eight fairly serious injuries, 99 “she/he started its,” 64 “for no-reason” screams, four biting episodes (which is actually below normal), 13 nude sightings (only one coming from Oliver) and 618 “nos” from Mom and Dad.

Other than that, everything’s been great.

To be fair, it’s not like we asked all three of them to be within six years of each other and live together under the same roof.  I know for a fact I participated in all of the above and practically majored instarting fights with my sister during my childhood education called “growing up.” 

However, it still wears on you as a parent.  And I’m pretty sure it will never be easy.  A conversation I had the other day with someone who has teenagers pretty much confirmed that.  When they’re pre-teens we’ll be stressed about answering sex questions – if we haven’t already.  When they are teens we’ll be worried about if they’re having sex, and when they’re 25 we’ll be wondering if they’ll every move out of the house.  Actually I’m documenting it now, that if any of my children live under my roof full-time and they are old enough to buy their own beer, they must pay Jamie and me at least $500 per month, do ourlaundry, and share some of said beer.

For now though, we’ll just keep plugging along as parents.  It’s never easy, mostly fun, but sometimes so damn frustrating that I wish I had money to pay for boarding school.  But then there’s the whole “grass is greener on the other side” thing and I guess I’d miss them when they were away attending school in Europe heading to bars at the age of 15 and sending me pictures on their i-phone 17.

Like I said, not much has gone on around here since the last post.  Although, Mitch did turn seven yesterday and I turned 31 on the 17^th, so 40% of us literally aged since then.  And no matter what happens, I’m glad the five of us are growing old together as a family.  I just hope we can cut down on the spilled drinks at dinner.

A week without kids

When the van pulled away with the three little hellions, er, children, en route to Virginia Beach for a week the emotions present were strange.  For one, none of the kids seemed to mind. Even little Ollie went with the flow and was high-fiving cousins Illiana and Jose in his car seat and waving to Mom and Dad like he would be back for dinner.  He even wanted to take a stab at driving.

Ollie and Aunt Sally right before
 the beach trip.

For me it was only a matter of how much Jamie would cry, not if, once her babies went to Aunt Sally and Uncle Jose's house for a full week.  But she seemed to go as Ollie went, and the tear ducts stayed dry.  We didn't exactly knock anything off our bucket lists while they were gone, but we were able to do what most adults our age do -- you know, normal stuff.  We saw a movie, outside of the living room, went to dinner with other adults, who did not throw any food on the floor by the way, and laughed a little -- a lot -- at co-worker James' West End Comedy improv show.

When the child-less week was over last Saturday we were ready for the house to be filled with stomps, screams and scraps between the older two.  Why, you ask? Maybe because we're crazy or maybe because we miss the crazy.  It's cliche, but as nice as it was to be alone (and we thank you Sally and Jose) we wouldn't have it any other way than the five of us under one roof -- even if that means we witness the kids at times acting stranger than a talking teddy bear with a 35-year-old best bud.

Anyone with children knows they like routines, and the Norris clan has not been on one for a few weeks after visits from some Kansas cousins after the beach trip.  Strangely though, they haven't acted as crazy as they usually do. I mean there was the occasional naked kid running through the house, Ollie walking around trying to put everyone's shoes on for them and not taking kindly to anyone who refused his offer and a certain almost seven-year-old who kept singing Cher Lloyd's, "Want U Back" over and over again.  But like I said, nothing too crazy!

A visit from Jordan, Jacob and Luke. Oh, and Aunt Brenda too!

The Tooth Fairy Makes an Unplanned Visit

Losing your first tooth is supposed to be a really cool moment.  However, if you know my daughter Addison, you know she is no ordinary five-year-old. Did she feel a loose tooth and pull it out herself?  Or did we tie a string to it and wrap it around the doorknob and give it a tug?  No to both.

Instead she was copping an Addie-tude, stomped around a bit and fell and knocked her tooth loose on the hardwood floor!  After a quick trip to the dentist, the tooth was out and Addie was scheduled to make some money that night (Only Addie would turn a hissy-fit for a profit).  It wasn't ready to come out, so it was almost an inch long with the root!  It was something that would only happen to Addie, but we wouldn't have it any other way because then, it just wouldn't be our Addie.

On her way to bed that night she asked Jamie and me what the tooth fairy looked like.  When we told her we weren't actually sure, her response was to simply go to www.toothfairy.com and check her out.  If you click on the link you can see she isn't much to look at.  So it was a good thing she swooped in, dropped a dollar coin under Addie's pillow, and swooped out.  Who knows how long she will have that hole in her smile, but she will have the story forever.

I've often wondered if Addie was our first child if she would have been our only child.  Obviously Chip would not have liked that, but now I think he's lobbying for a third sibling.  He was playing with Ollie the other day and called him his "favorite brother."  I said, "He's your only brother."  Chip then chirped up with, "You don't know that, you might have more."  I immediately froze in my tracks with the thought of Norris No. 4. I won't completely rule out the tiny, minute, remote possibility it could happen, but unless Chip wants to share a room with a baby and I want to be fully gray by 32, it ain't happening any time soon.

I love my kids, but if I wanted to spend any less time with each of them I would ship them off to boarding school not have another one.  Like I said, it might happen someday, but then again, the Royals might win a World Series too.

Time to Focus on the Funny!

This is how I found Chip when I went in to the living room tonight.


A true man! If he were of age all he would need is a beer to go with the remote and he'd be set!

That's the lighter side of the weekend with the Norrises.  Any parent will tell you there are tough times with their kids and this weekend was one of those where you remind yourself you love your children unconditionally.  Because see, if you don't, you might just leave them in a Wal-Mart parking lot in 100 degree temperatures and tell them to find their way back. (In case anyone from child protective services is reading this, I constantly remind myself I love them no matter what, so that would never happen!)

Instead of harping on the negative I'll share a few of stories on the lighter side of the lovely/crazy/sometimes insane Norris children.

All three contribute to the craziness, but it's usually Addie leading the way.  The feisty five-year-old isn't afraid to say what's on her mind like she did a few mornings ago at breakfast.  I caught her listening to her bowl of Rice Crispies like any other normal child would do.  Then however, she looks at the box and tells me, 'I think Snap, Crackle and Pop are hot!'  I guess it's better than doting over Justin Beiber or Zach Efron, but at least they are real.  I didn't know SN&P had sex appeal!

A few minutes later I finished changing Ollie's diaper, and let's just say it didn't smell like roses, or even something mildly refreshing.  As I was walking toward the back door to take it to the outside bin and complaining of the odor, Addie offers a suggestion: 'Hey, why don't you just throw it in the neighbor's trash?'

Sometimes I don't know if I should cry, laugh or just pull my hair out when dealing with her.  Like when I walked in to the kitchen last week and saw her eating popcorn out of a bowl with a spoon -- for breakfast.  Or when I gave Ollie a baby wipe because he wanted to attempt to clean the floor and she said, in her trade mark sassy voice, 'You're making a baby do chores?'  (Again any child protective services readers can just ignore this part.)

Who could ever get mad at this cute little guy?
Don't let him fool you though, he can be devious.

There was other craziness this weekend as well that didn't really translate to funny at the time.  There are instances where I am mad at one of the older two and they'll say something smart-alec and it's all I can do to not laugh and give them the upper hand. Because let me tell you; once they see you smile it's over.

What wasn't a laughing matter today though was when just two bites in to my Qdoba grilled chicken burrito, Ollie apparently decided I was done with it.  He grabbed it and tossed it on the floor.  A burrito on a restaurant floor however doesn't qualify for the five-second rule. Once it hits the ground it immediately becomes a casualty of Ollie's infatuation with tossing food like a freaking frisbee!  Thirty minutes later as we are just entering "Discovering the Dinosaurs" at Richmond International Raceway, he decides he hates his pants and creates an explosion he will be proud to brag about to his other one-year-old buddies.  Luckily, Jamie took this one which only means I get the next big one!

Other craziness involved Ollie stealing a marker from Addie and wielding it around like a knife when I went to retrieve it.  Hey, he likes to color. I then found Addie using a real knife to gut open a crab the other night at a friend's house during dinner.  If you've read this blog at least once, you know the chance of that ending well is pretty much zero.

A wild week of family visits, children acting like, well, children and some normal craziness, I'm hoping the expected cooler weather this week brings some calm to our household. But, hey, if it doesn't, we could always feed them to a dinosaur!

Tennis, Family Trees with no Branches, and Trolls

I walked in the bathroom this morning and found Addie clipping her finger nails in the sink. She's never really done that on her own before so I asked what she was doing.

"Clipping my nails. What do you think?," she said.  "And this is how you clip your toe nails."

She lifted up her rubbery, made-for-gymnastics leg and placed it in the sink and began clipping away like it was the most natural thing in the world.  I asked myself if that was something I could manage to do if I had ten minutes to attempt. I decided it was not.

It was one of the multiple times today my kids left me speechless, but trust me, there were many more.

Another Addie moment that left me more scared than speechless was watching her swing a tennis racquet at Dick's Sporting Goods.

I'm not sure how her tennis game will be, but I do know that you pretty much don't want to be around her when she has a racquet in her hands -- especially if you are a baby in a stroller who was not in the video but missed being hit on the head by about an inch.


Some other memorable Addie moments of the day included:

• Her outfit from this morning that screamed: I want to play tennis, but this cowgirl get-up that doesn't fit quite right may get in the way!

• The time she came into the kitchen right after lunch with a fake bouquet of flowers and said, "Chip and I are gonna get married."  I didn't realize we moved to West Virginia.

• Or when she came running in to the kitchen, while I was making lunch, with no shirt, slid on her knees and sang, "I just can't wait to be Kiiiiiiiiiiing!"

She did that about 15 times all the while Mitch was bouncing every ball known to mankind off the kitchen floor and walls and Ollie was hiding Addie's belt in the fridge.  He then took it out, placed it in his mouth and ran around the kitchen.  Apparently, it isn't the only accessory he chose to chew on today.

His socks must have that nice, sweaty
flavor babies like.

As crazy as those two were today, Chip seemed determined to top them.  He insisted on wearing some cammo boxers instead of his shorts and even, unknowingly, channeled his inner Tom Cruise by running in to the kitchen and sliding on his socks all while wearing only a t-shirt and the boxers.  When I finally made him go upstairs and put some pants on, you would have thought I told him to stay up there for the rest of his life.

"You ruined all my fun, and a chance at happiness," he said. If his idea of lifetime happiness was running around in his boxers, then he should probably move to Vegas.  How is a father even supposed to respond to a statement like that without laughing?  The answer is, he doesn't.

But it was only about 15 minutes later that he was awarded the craziness trophy for the day.  We were on our way to Wal-Mart so Chip could use a gift card, when he and Addie got in to it for only the 87th time today.  I told both of them to go sit on the couch until we were ready to leave when Chip told me, "I'm not going to sit by that ugly troll!"  Talk about not knowing what to say.  I didn't know if I should laugh, slap him, or pick up my jaw off the floor.  After I did everything except slap him, he told me he heard it on the Disney Channel, which just earned "only-on-if-parents-are-in-the-room" status.  Or as Chip would say, they are resigned to watching the cartoons and not the Disney shows with real people -- or trolls.


Jamie and I still can't seem to comprehend that he actually said that.  We've heard the both of them say some things that would have had them eating soap if this were the 60's, but "ugly troll?"  That was a first.

As the night was winding down but the kids still had the energy of a Red Bull and Vodka, I told Jamie I think I might just go hide.  Addie, in her most excited voice, immediately stopped whatever loud and obnoxious thing she was doing and asked if I wanted to go play hide-and-seek.  Sure, I told her. You go hide.

Are your kids this crazy?!

Sleep? What is sleep?

Where was your five-year-old at 6:20 a.m. today? Mine was shirtless, kneeling next to me on the bed. She had that creepy-kid look on her face ala, "The Shining."  Then she taps me on the shoulder, suddenly wide awake as I lay there about 75% asleep.

"If you go to the app store on your phone, computer or iPad you can download Disney Junior games. Dad, do you know what an app is?

I suddenly wondered if there was an app that would keep pre-schoolers in a deep sleep until at least 8 a.m.  I couldn't even answer that.  I just told her to go back to bed.

"I can't! I'm hungry," she huffed. "Will you make me some cinnamon rolls?"

That is how my morning started and also what I get for sleeping on the side of the bed closest to the door.  At that point I wished I was four again and would soon be forced to take an afternoon siesta.  I love that little girl more than almost anything, but I wished she loved sleep just as much.

Alas, as I eventually headed out the door to work, with Ollie's snot on both my shirt and pants, guaranteeing a part of him would be with me all day, I knew there would be no nap.  Where did I think I was, Spain?

Once I arrived home it was a night of "normal" craziness that only a house with three children less than seven could provide, but nothing out of the ordinary.  However, I am quickly learning Mitch may not have the humble gene.

As I was talking to him about soccer camp, he was telling me there were a lot of girls there.  He said three of them liked him.  I asked him how he knew.

I might be biased, but yeah, he's pretty much a soccer stud!

"Because they kept coming near me when they were dribbling," he said.  "Oh, and they were flashing their eyes at me because I'm so good at soccer."

Whoa! Time to back the cocky train up.  We had words about how we don't go around talking like that, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but be proud of his confidence.

Then, the young stud, who claimed he had girls flocking to him, asked his mommy and daddy to come upstairs and tuck him in to bed.  Now, that's a little more like it.

Are your kids this crazy?!

Too good for their own good!

So, it seems the craziest thing my children have done lately is behave.  I probably shouldn't be complaining about that but it makes writing this blog a whole lot harder.  Of course there have been the occasional brother-sister spats from the older two the past week and more whining than I care to deal with, but it could be a lot worse.

Even while behaving though, Addie sure can say some crazy things.  She was so sweet to me on Father's Day.  She drew me pictures, gave me tons of hugs and then said I could pick her clothes out for her Monday because "it's Father's Day night."  I said ok and walked over to her closet. But before I could, she said "I know which one you can pick.  It's the one that says I love my dad."  So that was me "picking" out her clothes.

Earlier that day I was lying down playing with Oliver and she came over and started fanning me with a clothes hanger.  You know the old-school wire ones with paper you get from the dry cleaners?  She said I was a king and deserved to be fanned on Father's Day.  I thought that was a little strange, but I went with hit.  However, I had to end it when she, for some only-God-knows reason, started singing, "I'm sexy and I know it." I'm seriously considering removing all TVs and radios from this house.

I know some of the shows she watches really have helped prepare her for kindergarten with brain teasers that range from problem solving to math.  Yet phrases like, "You ruined my life," and the aforementioned (in an earlier entry) "I want a big 'ol slice of Justin Beiber," Jamie and I could go without.  Just the other day we all were watching a Disney show,  "Let it Shine."  There were two young kids having a rap battle and Addie tells us, "Hey Mom and Dad, those two are clowning on each other."

Chip showing Uncle Stu and me how not to hit our drives "curvy."

Speaking of clowning on people, Chip played his first round of non-putt-putt golf on Father's Day with me and my Uncle Stu. After Stu and I hit our tee shots in the trees, Chip landed one down the middle of the fairway.  Later, as we were walking off hole one, we congratulated him on a nice bogey. In his humble manner, he says, "How come you guys have done this before and I'm the only one who hit it straight? You know, when I'm Dad's age I'll be just like Tiger Woods." Later that night during a Skype session with Jamie's parents he told them Stu and I kept hitting our balls "curvy" while he was hitting them straight.  So I figured it out, I just need to stop hitting the ball curvy.

Are your kids this crazy?!

*Don't worry I don't have dreams that Chip will become the next Tiger Woods, or even the next Bubba Watson, and live vicariously through him. Have you seen me play?  I'm just hoping he breaks 100 and can tell me what that feels like.

"The Worst Day Ever!"


This past week the kiddos haven't really been that crazy.  Jamie and I even went on a trip last weekend for our anniversary sans kids. The report back from grandparents was a good one -- although we are wondering how much they actually left out.  When we left to go however Addie started crying and clinging to Jamie which in turn made Ollie start screaming and crying, as snot ran out of his nose like a water hose.  My dad had to pry Addie off of Jamie as we left, and the whole scene reminded me of some day care from hell.  Five minutes later all was good and we were on our way to the beach.
OK, so this certainly wasn't the worst day ever considering it was our seventh wedding anniversary.  But if you ask Addie it was.

You know how kids can be.  The fact their peanut butter and jelly fell on the ground can equate to the worst day ever.  For Addie her worst day included staying at home, playing, taking a nap, watching TV, eating at McDonald's, having a picnic dinner and driving around and exploring some new areas of the city.

Must be a pretty rough life.

In reality though it was tough on her at times.  We planned on going to eat the picnic dinner somewhere on the James River but got a little lost and realized we had about 5 miles until we ran out of gas.  So we pulled over and headed through a field, thinking we were close to the river.  Instead we ended up just walking through knee-high grass until we reached a ledge that no stroller was going to conquer.  Addie almost conquered it by falling, and then rolling down. Luckily I knew she would be heading over to peer down and I ordered her back before she could lose her balance, which, inevitably, she would have.

So we found a spot with some not-so-high grass and ate dinner with the chiggers.  We then filled up and drove around by the river only to hit a dead end.  A friendly security guard at Dominion Power told us about a few things in the area, including Hollywood Cemetery, where my grandmother is buried.  We decided to drive there, and after going through two other cemeteries we thought were it, we finally made it to the entrance to the famous cemetery right at eight o'clock -- only to find the gate locked.  The only thing left to do was head home, shower and head to bed.

So, not the most fun for a five-year old. In fact so not-fun that we were labeled "worst mom and dad in the world," because we broke our promise of playing soccer at the picnic and there were no swings anywhere near the spot we decided to eat.  However, we quickly bounced back to "best mom and dad" after we gave them Mickey D's nuggets and french fries.

Craziness come with cleaning


Just to show you how crazy my kids are (or at least the boys) take a look at the picture below.  Chip actually asked if he could clean up and Ollie quickly chipped in (no pun intended).  Notice Addie is nowhere to be found because cleaning up and her go together like Red Sox and Yankees' fans.

After the boys finished cleaning Chip had the rest of the night planned out.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wash my hands, turn the TV on and relax."

Must be nice to be six.  It's too bad we take for granted the freedom and naivete we have as kids.

Are your kids this crazy?

Normal equals crazy


Just because there are no broken bones, ER trips or catastrophic meltdowns doesn't mean a night at the Norris household isn't crazy.

I walked in the door at 5:36 p.m. By 5:40 the following occurred:

• Addie locked Chip and Ollie in the playroom.

• Addie was sent to her room for "sassing" and saying "whatever" to her mom after being reprimanded for the above bullet point.

• Ollie and Chip put on a dance show while Chip sang "I just met you." (Why my two sons were involved in this and not my daughter still doesn't make sense to me.)

• Ollie climbed up on a chair and "checked his facebook status."

How does so much happen in such a short period of time?  Their energy levels are amazing.  They just make parents feel so old.

Not long after the four-minute stretch of craziness, the kids weren't done.  On top of dinner, normal playing and a little Disney Channel, all three managed some level of craziness.

Chip was late to dinner and had some privileges taken away because it took him literally 10 minutes to turn the TV off and come to the table.

Ollie was just all over the place. He threw ping-pong balls down the steps, fell 87 times, banged his head on the kitchen cabinet and set the table with baking dishes.

Addie changed in to her bathing suit for no reason -- it was raining and 65 degrees outside. After dinner she wanted a cup cake.  It's a long story, but we had some with Justin Bieber plastic rings on top.  She offered up this gem while asking for one.

"I'd like a big 'ol slice of Justin Bieber."

I really didn't know what to say.  I almost just walked out of the house.

Are your kids this crazy?

CHIP CAUGHT A BALL!


Growing up in central Virginia meant attending Richmond Braves games.  The R-Braves were the Triple-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves and were a solid ball club my entire childhood.  However, now the city is home to the Richmond Flying Squirrels, the Double-A farm team of the San Francisco Giants.  Addie was excited to go the game tonight because I'm pretty sure she thought there were going to be actual flying squirrels playing baseball.

Well, this was Chip's second game and he was determined to catch a ball.  He actually started crying halfway through his first game because as he said, his arms were not long enough to reach out and catch a ball.  Well, they must have grown in the past month because he got one tonight.  Although, he will tell you he didn't actually catch it. However, running a few steps and grabbing it after it smacked a metallic seat is just as good.

___

The internet at our house was out from Tuesday until this afternoon, causing me to take a break from blogging.  I figured it would give me a ton of crazy stories to write about once it was restored, but in reality, the kids have been pretty laid back the past few days.  We've been to Byrd Park to feed the ducks, Triangle Park to play, and Chip, Addie, Ollie and Jamie all went to Pocahontas Park and swam in the pool for Chip's field trip.  Throw in the Squirrel's game and you would think one of them either broke a leg, busted someone's lip or at least said something embarrassing in public. Addie did come close to falling in the pond at Byrd Park and getting hit by a car, but my friend Kenny pulled her back on the sidewalk, so nothing to write about here. Despite the lack of craziness I did hear this conversation from Chip and Addie yesterday.

Addie: 'I'm not going to get married."
Chip: "Then you'll be lonely!"
Addie: "Uh-uh. I'll live with Mom and Dad'
Me (thinking to myself): "God help us all!"
Chip: "Well, I'm going to get a girlfriend when I'm a teenager and then marry her."
Addie: "Yeah, and then you can have 98 kids."

Could you imagine the blog for that?!

Are your kids this crazy?

If normal means a trip to the ER, then yeah, we're good.


I had the bottle of wine cracked open before the last child was up the stairs for bed tonight.

After what seemed like a relatively calm holiday weekend, Memorial Day proved to be memorable -- or infamous. Take your pick.

Right before bed, Chip told Jamie and me his three favorite things in the world are: pancakes, LeBron James and cheerleaders.  I honestly had nothing to say. I just hugged him and kissed him goodnight.  That episode was a heck of a lot funnier than this afternoon.

Apparently an old colleague and friend of mine spent the day hanging out with the Jayhawk's top recruit Perry Ellis.  Jamie and I spent most of ours at the ER with Ollie.

In the end he ended up fine.  It was nothing more than a bruise to the forehead suffered after Ollie tripped on his feet.  Throw in the fact he threw up afterward though, and to a trip to the ER was inevitable.  We were moved in to a room rather quickly, but almost two hours and $75 later we were sent home with a list of things to "check" regarding Ollie's behavior.  Did we have to go? Probably not.  But it put us at ease to know there was no concussion.  Even though he is ok, I hate to see the little guy looking like this.

However, he wasn't done.  After running around my dad's living room and throwing remotes, glass decorations, a dog leash, some HotWheels and almost knocking over a guitar, he fell and smacked his face on Bo the dog's cage door.  He got a nice little cut on the chin.  Soon it was time to go because everyone was worn out and tired -- even my brother, "Uncle Willie."  Of course he was just tired from watching Ollie.  Not babysitting him, but literally just watching him.

At home it was baths and bed for the kids.  But Ollie didn't go down without a fight.  In the five minutes I struggled to put a new diaper and pajamas on him, he managed to bang his head on the wall again and pee in the corner -- the final sign it was definitely bed time.  He's sleeping as I type this and, after no nap, a blow to the head, a cut chin and constant running around, I'm pretty sure even Addie could scream at the top of her lungs and he won't wake up tonight.  At least, we can only hope.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

In a span of about ten minutes this morning prior to "the accident," Ollie accomplished the following:

• Threw a soccer ball down the steps and knocked over a picture of the kids Jamie made by hand

• Ran and fell face-first three times
• Found part of a dinner roll from last night under his chair and started chewing on it.  When I saw him he took off, fell and dropped the roll like a thief being chased by the cops.
• Dug in the trash with his face
• Fell out of Jamie's arms and hit the steps
• And crawled into a laundry basket

He is one talented kid!

HEARD FROM THE MOUTH OF ADDISON NORRIS

The first quip came from Jamie as I was in the kitchen and she headed in to the living room.

"Addie. Put your clothes on."  Mind you, this is totally normal to hear at anytime during the day regarding Addie.

I then heard Jamie talking to the older kids and asking them to please help and pick up the messy playroom. Addie's response: "Why should we have to? It's looked like this for days?"

A few minutes later Chip comes in to the kitchen. The following conversation ensues:

Chip: "Dad, Addie called me a dufus!"
Addie: "Well...." With a look that could only mean, "if the shoe fits....."

Are your kids this crazy?!

Did you know Richmond is famous for its sweaters?

After three posts and some deep self-reflection, I'm thinking maybe  this blog could focus on the fact that our whole family is crazy, not just the kids. (Although Jamie may argue it's the kids and just me who are crazy).  For the record, I do realize that part (probably a big one) of the reason my kids do crazy things is because of me.  Take, for instance, today.  We were home and planned a trip to the Richmond Metro Zoo. I thought for sure there would be some great fodder for the blog, but in very un-Norris like fashion the kids were pretty awesome -- no fighting, yelling or falling out of the sky ride into the rhino pit.

Thing is, I was kind of the crazy one.  You see, Jamie likes to wait until the last possible minute to tell the kids where we are going when we have something planned so they don't bug us about how much longer it will be until we go -- trust me, this is a good idea.  This is where my antagonizing nature came in to play.  I told the two older kids we were heading to the sweater museum -- more specifically the Virginia Museum of Fine Sweaters.  (a reference to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts to all you non-Richmonders).

I had a whole elaborate plan going (Jamie was just a silent accomplice).  The kids could try on different sweaters and even ask for custom made ones. Addie wanted a Jayhawk one but Chip told her people here don't know what a Jayhawk is.  I even told them there were sheep outside the museum and we could watch them get a "haircut" so the workers could make the sweaters.  Well, Chip heard us talking later about the zoo and knew we were actually going there, but Addie had no clue until we walked up to the front and said, "Why does that sign over there say z-o-o, zoo?"

I convinced her it was a mistake and we paid and went inside. I asked her what sweater she wanted and she still said, "A Jayhawk one."  At this point I actually felt bad and we finally told her it was the zoo.  Funny thing is she was so excited she didn't even bother getting mad at me.  We had a great day with no incidents -- fighting was minimal and injures were absent, which if you know our family well, is rare.  All was good until we were heading to the exit and Ollie decided to throw is sippy cup. You know that throw toddlers do when they are finished with something? The kind of, "screw this, I'm done and I know some sucker adult will pick it up" throw?  Well, we were on a hill above the warthogs when Ollie decided, screw this sippy cup with the hot water/juice, and threw it down faster than gravity.   Jamie had to decide to either run after the cup or let Ollie roll down the hill.  She hesitated (I'm kidding), she grabbed the stroller only to watch the cup roll down and land on a ledge just inches from the warthog pit.  I finally decided to go after it only to hear the roar of an employee golf cart, and quickly hopped back over and asked the nice worker-man to get it.  You can see below he obliged.

So, Ollie did one crazy thing, but we had a good laugh.  Today was great because my kids were awesome and another parent at the zoo made me feel like a great one.  When her daughter was complaining about something, the mom said, "Stop whining like a three-year-old before I slap you like a two-year-old."  Mom-of-the-year there!  I don't even know how you slap someone like a two-year-old.  Anyway, nothing earth-shattering to report from the Norris household, but right before bedtime Chip did remind me that while my kids may be crazy, it's not all their fault.

Anyone who has even one kid knows it's possible to lose them -- even in the house.  While we were getting Ollie and Addie ready for bed Chip slipped upstairs to watch TV.  When Jamie found him a little bit later, instead of Disney, PBS Kids or Nick, our six-year-old son was watching "Joe Dirt."  When Jamie asked why he was watching that, he said he couldn't find the remote, which was on the night stand literally a foot away.

I then began rehearsing my speech for Father-of-the-Year and asked myself, "Are your kids this crazy?"

From normal to crazy in 2.3 seconds

It looked as if there wasn't going to be anything to post tonight. It was a pretty normal day in the Norris household, except for the fact Chip had the day off from school. I came home a little early and we all headed for a drive to Carrytown Cupcakes -- which by the way are the best in Richmond.

It was humid today but we all needed to be out of the house after battling some sickness.  Well, what started out to be a normal day turned in to a pretty rough night for Chip.  It began when we had to basically pull him across the street so he wouldn't get mashed by a car after he was moping across because it was "too hot."  It was like 87 -- we used to live in KS where 87 in the summer felt like a freaking blizzard!

On the way home we stopped at Dot's Back Inn for some greasy, diner food and apparently a viewing of every tattoo that has ever existed.  There was so much ink in that place I thought I might get a free tat with the purchase of two entrees.  The food was pretty good and the service reminded me of the friendly atmosphere of when we lived in Marion.  During the meal it was Ollie's turn to be crazy.  That kid threw so many objects while at the table I think we should have iced his arm when we got home.  He tossed crayons, a fork, a knife, half his food, a napkin, ice cubes and he even tried his plate.  However Jamie was one step ahead of him and caught it before it hit the ground.  He actually threw a purple crayon and hit the arm of a man at the table next to him.  Good thing he was too old to even notice.

But when dinner was finished and I was cleaning up what seemed like tsunami wreckage under Ollie's chair, and Addie had finished her grilled cheese with the crust cut off, Jamie noticed Chip's white shirt looked more orange than anything.  Remember he is almost seven.  You would have thought the child ate his spaghetti with his eyes closed and his right arm tied behind his back.  

Then on the way to the car he once again decided to walk through the street as if  he would do damage to the cars if they hit him. I asked him what he was thinking and he said, "I don't know, I wasn't paying attention." Which is of course what every adult in his life has told him to do when preparing to cross the street.

 When we pulled in the driveway, he may have committed the biggest faux paux of all.  As he was getting out he once again was not paying attention and stepped on the box carrying the famous Carrytown Cupcakes.  Luckily no desserts were injured in the brutal attack, despite the photo below.

After heading in the house and determining the cupcakes were ok, things settled down a bit.  That was until Jamie and I were in Ollie's room when we heard Chip yell. It could only mean that his giant, 25-pound, five-year-old sister had gotten the better of him.  Readers of this blog know by now that despite her petite stature and sweet little voice, Addison can dish it out with the best of them.  She apparently landed a fastball to the lip of Chip from about three feet away.   This was no Nerf ball either, but a hard plastic one.  He had been antagonizing her and she didn't like it.  She claims not to have meant to hit him, but judging by the fact his upper lip had doubled in size in 2.3 seconds, it didn't really matter.  Both ended up in their rooms for the rest of the night and couldn't believe Ollie got to stay up later than them.  I told Addie that's because he wasn't fighting, when she replied in her sassy tone, "That's because he's a baby, duh!"

So, needless to say it didn't take long for what seemed to be a simple day turn in to another episode of  "The Norris Family."

I love those three little munchkins more than anything, but they really are going to make me gray sooner than later!

Are your kids this crazy?

Even babies can be crazy!

Remember in my opening post when I said 16-month Oliver wasn't crazy yet? I said I'd give him six months.  It was more like six days.  As I was spending the day at home sick, trying to get some rest, this kid ate like a teenage boy who had been lost in the woods for a week.

He stuffed the following food in his mouth at some point during the day:

Wheat Thins, fruit snacks, a chocolate chip cookie, granola bar, banana, raisins, animal crackers, BBQ chips, block cheese, Corn Chex, Goldfish, club crackers and about three sippy cups full of whole milk.

Granted some of this we fed him, but others he stole from the snack cabinet that for some odd reason we thought was a good idea to keep at his eye level. Why we have not invested in a two-dollar plastic lock or moved the cabinet higher is clearly bad parenting.

Mind you, all of this food did not include his breakfast, lunch or dinner.  At the end of dinner we thought he had finished his macaroni and cheese, only to realize most of it ended up stuck to the peach fuzz that sits atop his round, little dome.

You see, unless you have enough money to hire a live-in nanny, you are out-numbered once you have three kids.  (For some reason Jamie and I didn't think about that. Hey, I'm a writer not a mathematician) So, later that night when we were more than likely yelling at one of the older kids and trying to find the other one, Ollie decided it would be fun to splash around in the toilet.  He did everything short of jumping in.  When I found him, his arms were wet up to his sleeves and the grin on his face rivaled the creepiest of clowns -- which are forbidden in our house because of Jamie's phobia of the circus attractions. (needless to say she thought the photo below was cute, albeit a little scary)

The one good thing about the incident was miraculously the toilet was actually flushed.  We've found out children under seven are allergic to toilet handles, therefore they never flush them -- yeah, that's it.  So I scooped him up and took him to the bathtub while Jamie cleaned up the mess little "innocent" Ollie made.

While Ollie won the award for craziest Norris, here are a few Addie highlights from the day (Chip was pretty tame for the most part.)

• Although it was playful she had Ollie in a choke hold at one point and told me, "He likes it."

• After fighting with Mitch I asked her what she did, and she responded, "I bit him in the back, and I might do it again."

• "I'm good at hitting," she told me. And she wasn't talking about baseball.

• At the end of another minor scrap with Chip she came to me complaining he had hit her. I asked her, "What did you do to him?" Her response: "Nothing. I mean, I did kick him."

Ladies and gentlemen, my crazy children!

Written, May 17, 2012


Please tell me I'm not the only one with crazy kids!

At the exact time I am writing this I am 30 years, 272 days 18 hours and 16 minutes old. That's actually pretty young. If I were a dog I would be around four-and-a-half. My wife Jamie says sometimes I act like I am. That point aside, what makes 30 seem even younger is I have three kids under seven. 

Mitch, who goes by "Chip," loves soccer and driving his parents crazy by not only talking non-stop, but by analyzing the you-know-what out of everything. Oh and making sure some kind of ball is bouncing somewhere in the house at all times!

Addison turned 5 in April but is going on bitchy teenager. She can be the sweetest thing at times but her favorite phrases include "Whatever," "I hate you," and "Loser."


Oliver is 16 months. He is such a sweet little kid right now. But he has two negative things going for him: his older siblings beat the, again, you-know-what, out of him (usually unintentionally) and his birthday. He was born on Dec. 29. He already got rooked on his first birthday (we were moving in to a new house.) I can see him at 10 whining because a relative gave him one present and wrote "Happy Birthday" and "Merry Christmas" on the card. For now, though, he isn't that crazy. I'm giving him about six months after hanging with his older siblings every day.

Now that you know a little about my kids, also know this. I love them more than anything and would do anything for them. But they drive me nuts 50 percent of the time...and they sleep 33 percent of the time. Throw in the fact I'm at work 40 hours a week, and that means they are driving me crazy even when I'm not around them. 

Take for instance the time Jamie told me Addie fell out of a tree and hit her head at a birthday party. The girl falls once a day while walking and even occasionally when she is just sitting in a chair...that's right, sitting! Why is she climbing a tree?! 

Or the time I was living in VA waiting for my family to join me from KS. I called to talk to Jamie, and Chip answered. He told me Jamie poked Oliver's eye with a fork while feeding him and he went to the ER and currently was sporting a patch any pirate would be proud to wear (ok, he didn't say the pirate part, I was just imagining). He then hung up. I headed in to Buffalo Wild Wings to tell my buddy about it and he couldn't believe it. Finally I get a hold of Jamie and she had no idea he even said it. Come to find out he made it up because he thought it was "funny."

On the lighter, yet stinkier, side of crazy things my kids do, Addie showed off her "skills" just tonight.  As I was putting her to bed, she broke wind and the proceeded to tell me she should have done that in my face, all the while laughing like an evil demon. 

These are my "sweet little darlings." When I head to bed and kiss each goodnight I will think about how much I love them while remembering all three, even Oliver, yelled or hit me at some point today. Of course I question my parenting skills at times, but then I always want to know from fellow parents:

Are your kids this crazy, or is it just mine?!