Tennis, Family Trees with no Branches, and Trolls

I walked in the bathroom this morning and found Addie clipping her finger nails in the sink. She's never really done that on her own before so I asked what she was doing.

"Clipping my nails. What do you think?," she said.  "And this is how you clip your toe nails."

She lifted up her rubbery, made-for-gymnastics leg and placed it in the sink and began clipping away like it was the most natural thing in the world.  I asked myself if that was something I could manage to do if I had ten minutes to attempt. I decided it was not.

It was one of the multiple times today my kids left me speechless, but trust me, there were many more.

Another Addie moment that left me more scared than speechless was watching her swing a tennis racquet at Dick's Sporting Goods.

I'm not sure how her tennis game will be, but I do know that you pretty much don't want to be around her when she has a racquet in her hands -- especially if you are a baby in a stroller who was not in the video but missed being hit on the head by about an inch.


Some other memorable Addie moments of the day included:

• Her outfit from this morning that screamed: I want to play tennis, but this cowgirl get-up that doesn't fit quite right may get in the way!

• The time she came into the kitchen right after lunch with a fake bouquet of flowers and said, "Chip and I are gonna get married."  I didn't realize we moved to West Virginia.

• Or when she came running in to the kitchen, while I was making lunch, with no shirt, slid on her knees and sang, "I just can't wait to be Kiiiiiiiiiiing!"

She did that about 15 times all the while Mitch was bouncing every ball known to mankind off the kitchen floor and walls and Ollie was hiding Addie's belt in the fridge.  He then took it out, placed it in his mouth and ran around the kitchen.  Apparently, it isn't the only accessory he chose to chew on today.

His socks must have that nice, sweaty
flavor babies like.

As crazy as those two were today, Chip seemed determined to top them.  He insisted on wearing some cammo boxers instead of his shorts and even, unknowingly, channeled his inner Tom Cruise by running in to the kitchen and sliding on his socks all while wearing only a t-shirt and the boxers.  When I finally made him go upstairs and put some pants on, you would have thought I told him to stay up there for the rest of his life.

"You ruined all my fun, and a chance at happiness," he said. If his idea of lifetime happiness was running around in his boxers, then he should probably move to Vegas.  How is a father even supposed to respond to a statement like that without laughing?  The answer is, he doesn't.

But it was only about 15 minutes later that he was awarded the craziness trophy for the day.  We were on our way to Wal-Mart so Chip could use a gift card, when he and Addie got in to it for only the 87th time today.  I told both of them to go sit on the couch until we were ready to leave when Chip told me, "I'm not going to sit by that ugly troll!"  Talk about not knowing what to say.  I didn't know if I should laugh, slap him, or pick up my jaw off the floor.  After I did everything except slap him, he told me he heard it on the Disney Channel, which just earned "only-on-if-parents-are-in-the-room" status.  Or as Chip would say, they are resigned to watching the cartoons and not the Disney shows with real people -- or trolls.


Jamie and I still can't seem to comprehend that he actually said that.  We've heard the both of them say some things that would have had them eating soap if this were the 60's, but "ugly troll?"  That was a first.

As the night was winding down but the kids still had the energy of a Red Bull and Vodka, I told Jamie I think I might just go hide.  Addie, in her most excited voice, immediately stopped whatever loud and obnoxious thing she was doing and asked if I wanted to go play hide-and-seek.  Sure, I told her. You go hide.

Are your kids this crazy?!

Sleep? What is sleep?

Where was your five-year-old at 6:20 a.m. today? Mine was shirtless, kneeling next to me on the bed. She had that creepy-kid look on her face ala, "The Shining."  Then she taps me on the shoulder, suddenly wide awake as I lay there about 75% asleep.

"If you go to the app store on your phone, computer or iPad you can download Disney Junior games. Dad, do you know what an app is?

I suddenly wondered if there was an app that would keep pre-schoolers in a deep sleep until at least 8 a.m.  I couldn't even answer that.  I just told her to go back to bed.

"I can't! I'm hungry," she huffed. "Will you make me some cinnamon rolls?"

That is how my morning started and also what I get for sleeping on the side of the bed closest to the door.  At that point I wished I was four again and would soon be forced to take an afternoon siesta.  I love that little girl more than almost anything, but I wished she loved sleep just as much.

Alas, as I eventually headed out the door to work, with Ollie's snot on both my shirt and pants, guaranteeing a part of him would be with me all day, I knew there would be no nap.  Where did I think I was, Spain?

Once I arrived home it was a night of "normal" craziness that only a house with three children less than seven could provide, but nothing out of the ordinary.  However, I am quickly learning Mitch may not have the humble gene.

As I was talking to him about soccer camp, he was telling me there were a lot of girls there.  He said three of them liked him.  I asked him how he knew.

I might be biased, but yeah, he's pretty much a soccer stud!

"Because they kept coming near me when they were dribbling," he said.  "Oh, and they were flashing their eyes at me because I'm so good at soccer."

Whoa! Time to back the cocky train up.  We had words about how we don't go around talking like that, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but be proud of his confidence.

Then, the young stud, who claimed he had girls flocking to him, asked his mommy and daddy to come upstairs and tuck him in to bed.  Now, that's a little more like it.

Are your kids this crazy?!

Too good for their own good!

So, it seems the craziest thing my children have done lately is behave.  I probably shouldn't be complaining about that but it makes writing this blog a whole lot harder.  Of course there have been the occasional brother-sister spats from the older two the past week and more whining than I care to deal with, but it could be a lot worse.

Even while behaving though, Addie sure can say some crazy things.  She was so sweet to me on Father's Day.  She drew me pictures, gave me tons of hugs and then said I could pick her clothes out for her Monday because "it's Father's Day night."  I said ok and walked over to her closet. But before I could, she said "I know which one you can pick.  It's the one that says I love my dad."  So that was me "picking" out her clothes.

Earlier that day I was lying down playing with Oliver and she came over and started fanning me with a clothes hanger.  You know the old-school wire ones with paper you get from the dry cleaners?  She said I was a king and deserved to be fanned on Father's Day.  I thought that was a little strange, but I went with hit.  However, I had to end it when she, for some only-God-knows reason, started singing, "I'm sexy and I know it." I'm seriously considering removing all TVs and radios from this house.

I know some of the shows she watches really have helped prepare her for kindergarten with brain teasers that range from problem solving to math.  Yet phrases like, "You ruined my life," and the aforementioned (in an earlier entry) "I want a big 'ol slice of Justin Beiber," Jamie and I could go without.  Just the other day we all were watching a Disney show,  "Let it Shine."  There were two young kids having a rap battle and Addie tells us, "Hey Mom and Dad, those two are clowning on each other."

Chip showing Uncle Stu and me how not to hit our drives "curvy."

Speaking of clowning on people, Chip played his first round of non-putt-putt golf on Father's Day with me and my Uncle Stu. After Stu and I hit our tee shots in the trees, Chip landed one down the middle of the fairway.  Later, as we were walking off hole one, we congratulated him on a nice bogey. In his humble manner, he says, "How come you guys have done this before and I'm the only one who hit it straight? You know, when I'm Dad's age I'll be just like Tiger Woods." Later that night during a Skype session with Jamie's parents he told them Stu and I kept hitting our balls "curvy" while he was hitting them straight.  So I figured it out, I just need to stop hitting the ball curvy.

Are your kids this crazy?!

*Don't worry I don't have dreams that Chip will become the next Tiger Woods, or even the next Bubba Watson, and live vicariously through him. Have you seen me play?  I'm just hoping he breaks 100 and can tell me what that feels like.

"The Worst Day Ever!"


This past week the kiddos haven't really been that crazy.  Jamie and I even went on a trip last weekend for our anniversary sans kids. The report back from grandparents was a good one -- although we are wondering how much they actually left out.  When we left to go however Addie started crying and clinging to Jamie which in turn made Ollie start screaming and crying, as snot ran out of his nose like a water hose.  My dad had to pry Addie off of Jamie as we left, and the whole scene reminded me of some day care from hell.  Five minutes later all was good and we were on our way to the beach.
OK, so this certainly wasn't the worst day ever considering it was our seventh wedding anniversary.  But if you ask Addie it was.

You know how kids can be.  The fact their peanut butter and jelly fell on the ground can equate to the worst day ever.  For Addie her worst day included staying at home, playing, taking a nap, watching TV, eating at McDonald's, having a picnic dinner and driving around and exploring some new areas of the city.

Must be a pretty rough life.

In reality though it was tough on her at times.  We planned on going to eat the picnic dinner somewhere on the James River but got a little lost and realized we had about 5 miles until we ran out of gas.  So we pulled over and headed through a field, thinking we were close to the river.  Instead we ended up just walking through knee-high grass until we reached a ledge that no stroller was going to conquer.  Addie almost conquered it by falling, and then rolling down. Luckily I knew she would be heading over to peer down and I ordered her back before she could lose her balance, which, inevitably, she would have.

So we found a spot with some not-so-high grass and ate dinner with the chiggers.  We then filled up and drove around by the river only to hit a dead end.  A friendly security guard at Dominion Power told us about a few things in the area, including Hollywood Cemetery, where my grandmother is buried.  We decided to drive there, and after going through two other cemeteries we thought were it, we finally made it to the entrance to the famous cemetery right at eight o'clock -- only to find the gate locked.  The only thing left to do was head home, shower and head to bed.

So, not the most fun for a five-year old. In fact so not-fun that we were labeled "worst mom and dad in the world," because we broke our promise of playing soccer at the picnic and there were no swings anywhere near the spot we decided to eat.  However, we quickly bounced back to "best mom and dad" after we gave them Mickey D's nuggets and french fries.

Craziness come with cleaning


Just to show you how crazy my kids are (or at least the boys) take a look at the picture below.  Chip actually asked if he could clean up and Ollie quickly chipped in (no pun intended).  Notice Addie is nowhere to be found because cleaning up and her go together like Red Sox and Yankees' fans.

After the boys finished cleaning Chip had the rest of the night planned out.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wash my hands, turn the TV on and relax."

Must be nice to be six.  It's too bad we take for granted the freedom and naivete we have as kids.

Are your kids this crazy?

Normal equals crazy


Just because there are no broken bones, ER trips or catastrophic meltdowns doesn't mean a night at the Norris household isn't crazy.

I walked in the door at 5:36 p.m. By 5:40 the following occurred:

• Addie locked Chip and Ollie in the playroom.

• Addie was sent to her room for "sassing" and saying "whatever" to her mom after being reprimanded for the above bullet point.

• Ollie and Chip put on a dance show while Chip sang "I just met you." (Why my two sons were involved in this and not my daughter still doesn't make sense to me.)

• Ollie climbed up on a chair and "checked his facebook status."

How does so much happen in such a short period of time?  Their energy levels are amazing.  They just make parents feel so old.

Not long after the four-minute stretch of craziness, the kids weren't done.  On top of dinner, normal playing and a little Disney Channel, all three managed some level of craziness.

Chip was late to dinner and had some privileges taken away because it took him literally 10 minutes to turn the TV off and come to the table.

Ollie was just all over the place. He threw ping-pong balls down the steps, fell 87 times, banged his head on the kitchen cabinet and set the table with baking dishes.

Addie changed in to her bathing suit for no reason -- it was raining and 65 degrees outside. After dinner she wanted a cup cake.  It's a long story, but we had some with Justin Bieber plastic rings on top.  She offered up this gem while asking for one.

"I'd like a big 'ol slice of Justin Bieber."

I really didn't know what to say.  I almost just walked out of the house.

Are your kids this crazy?

CHIP CAUGHT A BALL!


Growing up in central Virginia meant attending Richmond Braves games.  The R-Braves were the Triple-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves and were a solid ball club my entire childhood.  However, now the city is home to the Richmond Flying Squirrels, the Double-A farm team of the San Francisco Giants.  Addie was excited to go the game tonight because I'm pretty sure she thought there were going to be actual flying squirrels playing baseball.

Well, this was Chip's second game and he was determined to catch a ball.  He actually started crying halfway through his first game because as he said, his arms were not long enough to reach out and catch a ball.  Well, they must have grown in the past month because he got one tonight.  Although, he will tell you he didn't actually catch it. However, running a few steps and grabbing it after it smacked a metallic seat is just as good.

___

The internet at our house was out from Tuesday until this afternoon, causing me to take a break from blogging.  I figured it would give me a ton of crazy stories to write about once it was restored, but in reality, the kids have been pretty laid back the past few days.  We've been to Byrd Park to feed the ducks, Triangle Park to play, and Chip, Addie, Ollie and Jamie all went to Pocahontas Park and swam in the pool for Chip's field trip.  Throw in the Squirrel's game and you would think one of them either broke a leg, busted someone's lip or at least said something embarrassing in public. Addie did come close to falling in the pond at Byrd Park and getting hit by a car, but my friend Kenny pulled her back on the sidewalk, so nothing to write about here. Despite the lack of craziness I did hear this conversation from Chip and Addie yesterday.

Addie: 'I'm not going to get married."
Chip: "Then you'll be lonely!"
Addie: "Uh-uh. I'll live with Mom and Dad'
Me (thinking to myself): "God help us all!"
Chip: "Well, I'm going to get a girlfriend when I'm a teenager and then marry her."
Addie: "Yeah, and then you can have 98 kids."

Could you imagine the blog for that?!

Are your kids this crazy?