So it’s been three weeks since I posted.  I don’t get paid for this.  If I did, I promise it would have only been two weeks since my last post.

Anyway, this is about the kids right?  I kind of forgot about them.  I mean, sometimes I just block them out of my mind.  Impossible you say. Well, have you ever slept somewhere with the light on, TV blaring and people talking?  If so, you can block out kids.  Also, alcohol helps.

Ok, I’m kidding – sort of.

 So, what have they been up to in the past three weeks since I’ve posted?  Well, it’s actually been pretty normal.  There have been numerous fights, 38 spilled drinks, 16 complete meltdowns, at least eight fairly serious injuries, 99 “she/he started its,” 64 “for no-reason” screams, four biting episodes (which is actually below normal), 13 nude sightings (only one coming from Oliver) and 618 “nos” from Mom and Dad.

Other than that, everything’s been great.

To be fair, it’s not like we asked all three of them to be within six years of each other and live together under the same roof.  I know for a fact I participated in all of the above and practically majored instarting fights with my sister during my childhood education called “growing up.” 

However, it still wears on you as a parent.  And I’m pretty sure it will never be easy.  A conversation I had the other day with someone who has teenagers pretty much confirmed that.  When they’re pre-teens we’ll be stressed about answering sex questions – if we haven’t already.  When they are teens we’ll be worried about if they’re having sex, and when they’re 25 we’ll be wondering if they’ll every move out of the house.  Actually I’m documenting it now, that if any of my children live under my roof full-time and they are old enough to buy their own beer, they must pay Jamie and me at least $500 per month, do ourlaundry, and share some of said beer.

For now though, we’ll just keep plugging along as parents.  It’s never easy, mostly fun, but sometimes so damn frustrating that I wish I had money to pay for boarding school.  But then there’s the whole “grass is greener on the other side” thing and I guess I’d miss them when they were away attending school in Europe heading to bars at the age of 15 and sending me pictures on their i-phone 17.

Like I said, not much has gone on around here since the last post.  Although, Mitch did turn seven yesterday and I turned 31 on the 17^th, so 40% of us literally aged since then.  And no matter what happens, I’m glad the five of us are growing old together as a family.  I just hope we can cut down on the spilled drinks at dinner.

A week without kids

When the van pulled away with the three little hellions, er, children, en route to Virginia Beach for a week the emotions present were strange.  For one, none of the kids seemed to mind. Even little Ollie went with the flow and was high-fiving cousins Illiana and Jose in his car seat and waving to Mom and Dad like he would be back for dinner.  He even wanted to take a stab at driving.

Ollie and Aunt Sally right before
 the beach trip.

For me it was only a matter of how much Jamie would cry, not if, once her babies went to Aunt Sally and Uncle Jose's house for a full week.  But she seemed to go as Ollie went, and the tear ducts stayed dry.  We didn't exactly knock anything off our bucket lists while they were gone, but we were able to do what most adults our age do -- you know, normal stuff.  We saw a movie, outside of the living room, went to dinner with other adults, who did not throw any food on the floor by the way, and laughed a little -- a lot -- at co-worker James' West End Comedy improv show.

When the child-less week was over last Saturday we were ready for the house to be filled with stomps, screams and scraps between the older two.  Why, you ask? Maybe because we're crazy or maybe because we miss the crazy.  It's cliche, but as nice as it was to be alone (and we thank you Sally and Jose) we wouldn't have it any other way than the five of us under one roof -- even if that means we witness the kids at times acting stranger than a talking teddy bear with a 35-year-old best bud.

Anyone with children knows they like routines, and the Norris clan has not been on one for a few weeks after visits from some Kansas cousins after the beach trip.  Strangely though, they haven't acted as crazy as they usually do. I mean there was the occasional naked kid running through the house, Ollie walking around trying to put everyone's shoes on for them and not taking kindly to anyone who refused his offer and a certain almost seven-year-old who kept singing Cher Lloyd's, "Want U Back" over and over again.  But like I said, nothing too crazy!

A visit from Jordan, Jacob and Luke. Oh, and Aunt Brenda too!

The Tooth Fairy Makes an Unplanned Visit

Losing your first tooth is supposed to be a really cool moment.  However, if you know my daughter Addison, you know she is no ordinary five-year-old. Did she feel a loose tooth and pull it out herself?  Or did we tie a string to it and wrap it around the doorknob and give it a tug?  No to both.

Instead she was copping an Addie-tude, stomped around a bit and fell and knocked her tooth loose on the hardwood floor!  After a quick trip to the dentist, the tooth was out and Addie was scheduled to make some money that night (Only Addie would turn a hissy-fit for a profit).  It wasn't ready to come out, so it was almost an inch long with the root!  It was something that would only happen to Addie, but we wouldn't have it any other way because then, it just wouldn't be our Addie.

On her way to bed that night she asked Jamie and me what the tooth fairy looked like.  When we told her we weren't actually sure, her response was to simply go to www.toothfairy.com and check her out.  If you click on the link you can see she isn't much to look at.  So it was a good thing she swooped in, dropped a dollar coin under Addie's pillow, and swooped out.  Who knows how long she will have that hole in her smile, but she will have the story forever.

I've often wondered if Addie was our first child if she would have been our only child.  Obviously Chip would not have liked that, but now I think he's lobbying for a third sibling.  He was playing with Ollie the other day and called him his "favorite brother."  I said, "He's your only brother."  Chip then chirped up with, "You don't know that, you might have more."  I immediately froze in my tracks with the thought of Norris No. 4. I won't completely rule out the tiny, minute, remote possibility it could happen, but unless Chip wants to share a room with a baby and I want to be fully gray by 32, it ain't happening any time soon.

I love my kids, but if I wanted to spend any less time with each of them I would ship them off to boarding school not have another one.  Like I said, it might happen someday, but then again, the Royals might win a World Series too.

Time to Focus on the Funny!

This is how I found Chip when I went in to the living room tonight.


A true man! If he were of age all he would need is a beer to go with the remote and he'd be set!

That's the lighter side of the weekend with the Norrises.  Any parent will tell you there are tough times with their kids and this weekend was one of those where you remind yourself you love your children unconditionally.  Because see, if you don't, you might just leave them in a Wal-Mart parking lot in 100 degree temperatures and tell them to find their way back. (In case anyone from child protective services is reading this, I constantly remind myself I love them no matter what, so that would never happen!)

Instead of harping on the negative I'll share a few of stories on the lighter side of the lovely/crazy/sometimes insane Norris children.

All three contribute to the craziness, but it's usually Addie leading the way.  The feisty five-year-old isn't afraid to say what's on her mind like she did a few mornings ago at breakfast.  I caught her listening to her bowl of Rice Crispies like any other normal child would do.  Then however, she looks at the box and tells me, 'I think Snap, Crackle and Pop are hot!'  I guess it's better than doting over Justin Beiber or Zach Efron, but at least they are real.  I didn't know SN&P had sex appeal!

A few minutes later I finished changing Ollie's diaper, and let's just say it didn't smell like roses, or even something mildly refreshing.  As I was walking toward the back door to take it to the outside bin and complaining of the odor, Addie offers a suggestion: 'Hey, why don't you just throw it in the neighbor's trash?'

Sometimes I don't know if I should cry, laugh or just pull my hair out when dealing with her.  Like when I walked in to the kitchen last week and saw her eating popcorn out of a bowl with a spoon -- for breakfast.  Or when I gave Ollie a baby wipe because he wanted to attempt to clean the floor and she said, in her trade mark sassy voice, 'You're making a baby do chores?'  (Again any child protective services readers can just ignore this part.)

Who could ever get mad at this cute little guy?
Don't let him fool you though, he can be devious.

There was other craziness this weekend as well that didn't really translate to funny at the time.  There are instances where I am mad at one of the older two and they'll say something smart-alec and it's all I can do to not laugh and give them the upper hand. Because let me tell you; once they see you smile it's over.

What wasn't a laughing matter today though was when just two bites in to my Qdoba grilled chicken burrito, Ollie apparently decided I was done with it.  He grabbed it and tossed it on the floor.  A burrito on a restaurant floor however doesn't qualify for the five-second rule. Once it hits the ground it immediately becomes a casualty of Ollie's infatuation with tossing food like a freaking frisbee!  Thirty minutes later as we are just entering "Discovering the Dinosaurs" at Richmond International Raceway, he decides he hates his pants and creates an explosion he will be proud to brag about to his other one-year-old buddies.  Luckily, Jamie took this one which only means I get the next big one!

Other craziness involved Ollie stealing a marker from Addie and wielding it around like a knife when I went to retrieve it.  Hey, he likes to color. I then found Addie using a real knife to gut open a crab the other night at a friend's house during dinner.  If you've read this blog at least once, you know the chance of that ending well is pretty much zero.

A wild week of family visits, children acting like, well, children and some normal craziness, I'm hoping the expected cooler weather this week brings some calm to our household. But, hey, if it doesn't, we could always feed them to a dinosaur!

Tennis, Family Trees with no Branches, and Trolls

I walked in the bathroom this morning and found Addie clipping her finger nails in the sink. She's never really done that on her own before so I asked what she was doing.

"Clipping my nails. What do you think?," she said.  "And this is how you clip your toe nails."

She lifted up her rubbery, made-for-gymnastics leg and placed it in the sink and began clipping away like it was the most natural thing in the world.  I asked myself if that was something I could manage to do if I had ten minutes to attempt. I decided it was not.

It was one of the multiple times today my kids left me speechless, but trust me, there were many more.

Another Addie moment that left me more scared than speechless was watching her swing a tennis racquet at Dick's Sporting Goods.

I'm not sure how her tennis game will be, but I do know that you pretty much don't want to be around her when she has a racquet in her hands -- especially if you are a baby in a stroller who was not in the video but missed being hit on the head by about an inch.


Some other memorable Addie moments of the day included:

• Her outfit from this morning that screamed: I want to play tennis, but this cowgirl get-up that doesn't fit quite right may get in the way!

• The time she came into the kitchen right after lunch with a fake bouquet of flowers and said, "Chip and I are gonna get married."  I didn't realize we moved to West Virginia.

• Or when she came running in to the kitchen, while I was making lunch, with no shirt, slid on her knees and sang, "I just can't wait to be Kiiiiiiiiiiing!"

She did that about 15 times all the while Mitch was bouncing every ball known to mankind off the kitchen floor and walls and Ollie was hiding Addie's belt in the fridge.  He then took it out, placed it in his mouth and ran around the kitchen.  Apparently, it isn't the only accessory he chose to chew on today.

His socks must have that nice, sweaty
flavor babies like.

As crazy as those two were today, Chip seemed determined to top them.  He insisted on wearing some cammo boxers instead of his shorts and even, unknowingly, channeled his inner Tom Cruise by running in to the kitchen and sliding on his socks all while wearing only a t-shirt and the boxers.  When I finally made him go upstairs and put some pants on, you would have thought I told him to stay up there for the rest of his life.

"You ruined all my fun, and a chance at happiness," he said. If his idea of lifetime happiness was running around in his boxers, then he should probably move to Vegas.  How is a father even supposed to respond to a statement like that without laughing?  The answer is, he doesn't.

But it was only about 15 minutes later that he was awarded the craziness trophy for the day.  We were on our way to Wal-Mart so Chip could use a gift card, when he and Addie got in to it for only the 87th time today.  I told both of them to go sit on the couch until we were ready to leave when Chip told me, "I'm not going to sit by that ugly troll!"  Talk about not knowing what to say.  I didn't know if I should laugh, slap him, or pick up my jaw off the floor.  After I did everything except slap him, he told me he heard it on the Disney Channel, which just earned "only-on-if-parents-are-in-the-room" status.  Or as Chip would say, they are resigned to watching the cartoons and not the Disney shows with real people -- or trolls.


Jamie and I still can't seem to comprehend that he actually said that.  We've heard the both of them say some things that would have had them eating soap if this were the 60's, but "ugly troll?"  That was a first.

As the night was winding down but the kids still had the energy of a Red Bull and Vodka, I told Jamie I think I might just go hide.  Addie, in her most excited voice, immediately stopped whatever loud and obnoxious thing she was doing and asked if I wanted to go play hide-and-seek.  Sure, I told her. You go hide.

Are your kids this crazy?!

Sleep? What is sleep?

Where was your five-year-old at 6:20 a.m. today? Mine was shirtless, kneeling next to me on the bed. She had that creepy-kid look on her face ala, "The Shining."  Then she taps me on the shoulder, suddenly wide awake as I lay there about 75% asleep.

"If you go to the app store on your phone, computer or iPad you can download Disney Junior games. Dad, do you know what an app is?

I suddenly wondered if there was an app that would keep pre-schoolers in a deep sleep until at least 8 a.m.  I couldn't even answer that.  I just told her to go back to bed.

"I can't! I'm hungry," she huffed. "Will you make me some cinnamon rolls?"

That is how my morning started and also what I get for sleeping on the side of the bed closest to the door.  At that point I wished I was four again and would soon be forced to take an afternoon siesta.  I love that little girl more than almost anything, but I wished she loved sleep just as much.

Alas, as I eventually headed out the door to work, with Ollie's snot on both my shirt and pants, guaranteeing a part of him would be with me all day, I knew there would be no nap.  Where did I think I was, Spain?

Once I arrived home it was a night of "normal" craziness that only a house with three children less than seven could provide, but nothing out of the ordinary.  However, I am quickly learning Mitch may not have the humble gene.

As I was talking to him about soccer camp, he was telling me there were a lot of girls there.  He said three of them liked him.  I asked him how he knew.

I might be biased, but yeah, he's pretty much a soccer stud!

"Because they kept coming near me when they were dribbling," he said.  "Oh, and they were flashing their eyes at me because I'm so good at soccer."

Whoa! Time to back the cocky train up.  We had words about how we don't go around talking like that, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but be proud of his confidence.

Then, the young stud, who claimed he had girls flocking to him, asked his mommy and daddy to come upstairs and tuck him in to bed.  Now, that's a little more like it.

Are your kids this crazy?!

Too good for their own good!

So, it seems the craziest thing my children have done lately is behave.  I probably shouldn't be complaining about that but it makes writing this blog a whole lot harder.  Of course there have been the occasional brother-sister spats from the older two the past week and more whining than I care to deal with, but it could be a lot worse.

Even while behaving though, Addie sure can say some crazy things.  She was so sweet to me on Father's Day.  She drew me pictures, gave me tons of hugs and then said I could pick her clothes out for her Monday because "it's Father's Day night."  I said ok and walked over to her closet. But before I could, she said "I know which one you can pick.  It's the one that says I love my dad."  So that was me "picking" out her clothes.

Earlier that day I was lying down playing with Oliver and she came over and started fanning me with a clothes hanger.  You know the old-school wire ones with paper you get from the dry cleaners?  She said I was a king and deserved to be fanned on Father's Day.  I thought that was a little strange, but I went with hit.  However, I had to end it when she, for some only-God-knows reason, started singing, "I'm sexy and I know it." I'm seriously considering removing all TVs and radios from this house.

I know some of the shows she watches really have helped prepare her for kindergarten with brain teasers that range from problem solving to math.  Yet phrases like, "You ruined my life," and the aforementioned (in an earlier entry) "I want a big 'ol slice of Justin Beiber," Jamie and I could go without.  Just the other day we all were watching a Disney show,  "Let it Shine."  There were two young kids having a rap battle and Addie tells us, "Hey Mom and Dad, those two are clowning on each other."

Chip showing Uncle Stu and me how not to hit our drives "curvy."

Speaking of clowning on people, Chip played his first round of non-putt-putt golf on Father's Day with me and my Uncle Stu. After Stu and I hit our tee shots in the trees, Chip landed one down the middle of the fairway.  Later, as we were walking off hole one, we congratulated him on a nice bogey. In his humble manner, he says, "How come you guys have done this before and I'm the only one who hit it straight? You know, when I'm Dad's age I'll be just like Tiger Woods." Later that night during a Skype session with Jamie's parents he told them Stu and I kept hitting our balls "curvy" while he was hitting them straight.  So I figured it out, I just need to stop hitting the ball curvy.

Are your kids this crazy?!

*Don't worry I don't have dreams that Chip will become the next Tiger Woods, or even the next Bubba Watson, and live vicariously through him. Have you seen me play?  I'm just hoping he breaks 100 and can tell me what that feels like.